If we look at the dictionary meaning of the word Understanding, it is “to be sympathetic to someone’s woes, to be aware of other people’s feelings” and it also means ,” having insight or good judgement”…..or there are some other nuances to the meaning of this word, like knowledge of a subject or an unwritten agreement between two parties etc. But today I would like to talk about some practical aspects of Understanding, which help us in dealing with potentially volatile situations and maintaining harmony in the family. As I understand it, (again, the same word!), a good understanding between members of the family is very important to maintain Harmony in the family. And in the present circumstances, Harmony is absolutely essential. If there is no harmony, we lose our cool, we get angry, and all this can affect our Immunity negatively. So, let us look at some examples…….
Let me tell you two incidents which happened when my son was in nursery. The first one happened in a school gathering where parents were invited. My son came to me holding beautiful rose in his hands and started plucking out all the petals! Normally, I would have told him that it is not good to destroy a beautiful thing like this rose, but that day I refrained from doing so because I had seen what had happened a few minutes earlier. My son had gone with this rose in his hands to offer it to a girl in his class, but that girl refused to even look at him, let alone accept the gift. Obviously, he was feeling hurt and angry, didn’t know how to express his feelings, so he was just venting out his feelings by destroying the rose. As I was aware of the cause for this behaviour, I just said to him,” You didn’t like it that she refused your rose, isn’t it?” He was very happy to realise that I could “understand” his behaviour and the matter ended there. If I had not seen the earlier incident, I may have admonished him, which may have increased his anger. All that was averted just by understanding the cause!
The second incident is etched in our minds for ever! It was just a few days after my son’s third birthday. Someone had gifted him with a battery-operated toy, which made a particularly irritating noise. We both [ Manoj and myself] didn’t like this noise, so when my son, Satyajit was asleep, Manoj hid the toy on the loft. When Satyajit woke up and couldn’t find his [by this time] favourite toy, he pointed at the loft and told Manoj, “Give me my toy” [ To this date, I don’t know how he knew that the toy was hidden on the loft !….so actually, we don’t Understand what our kids know or Understand !!] Manoj told him that we don’t like the noise that the toy makes; to which Satyajit replied, “But I love that noise.
(Are you and I the same)?” We both were dumbfounded by this question and that is when we really understood how little we understand how smart our kids are ! That was also the time when I first began to understand how difficult it is to understand your own son!
But talking about understanding would not be complete if we don’t talk about the judgements we make about people, without really understanding their situation. I have been guilty of this very often until a few years ago. I would judge a person by his behaviour in a particular situation, without realising where the behaviour is coming from! Nowadays, before judging anyone, I try to put myself in that person’s position and try to understand why he/she is behaving this way.
All this time we are talking about understanding others. But do you think any of this would be relevant without understanding ourselves? I think understanding of our own behaviour is absolutely essential if we want to maintain Harmony, whether at home or at the work place. Many times, when I try to analyse the cause of my anger, I find that the apparent cause may be the behaviour of others, but the real cause is that there is lots of anger within me! And whenever my ego is threatened by some behaviour of others, like my family not listening to my requests, the anger bursts out. Another cause could be that I expect the others to behave in a particular way and when my expectations are not met, I get mad! As I started meditating regularly, and following Osho’s advice about first watching the breath, then the thoughts and then the emotions, I started getting in touch with my emotions; so that now whenever I am angry, within a few minutes, I can pinpoint the exact cause of my anger and also realise that my anger belongs to me ! (at least most of the times! Of course, there are times when I lose my head completely, but I am trying my best to improve myself) When I understand this, it becomes easier to deal with that anger, as I now own my anger !
Praying that all of us can utilise the time in our hands to better understand ourselves and our families and that there is Love, Unity and Harmony in our families !
