Asha and Avinash took a seat, saying ,”we are advised by the doctor to take counseling.” Both aged around fifty five years, were married for about 30 years.
Avinash presented the problem as, “she is feeling depressed. She has started prescribed medications.Nothing is helping her. ” He added, “I was in a relationship, I am out of it, I have accepted my mistake.I have promised to not repeat it. She remains sad all the time. How to assure her? “
Asha took over, “this is the fourth time, and I can’t believe in his promise anymore”.
Both were feeling hurt, helpless and desperate. Years of energy and emotions were invested in their marriage and both wanted a solution to this interference.
I decided to understand each one’s perspective by talking individually before having a joint session.
Asha unburdening
Asha spoke details of his four affairs. She described how accidentally she discovered them.On confronting him he had accepted his mistake and she restored her trust in him. She said, “this time I cannot trust him. What if he does it again? “
Asha had been too kind in the past and now was feeling sad, helpless and had suppressed anger.
“Do you feel like you’re being taken for granted? ” I asked.
“Absolutely.”
Her self respect and dignity were at stake. She had crossed all her limits of being considerate. She did not know how to restore them without breaking the marriage.In order to not disturb her son and daughter, who were around age 25/27, She maintained outward calmness regarding her husband’s extra marital relationship.
Avinash starting to know himself
Avinash said, ” I am feeling very bad and guilty since she doesn’t believe in my promise and she is so sad and depressed” He looked down upon himself.
I said, ” You have been four times into such relationships. Every time you didn’t want it and yet it happened”.
” Yes, I am very regretful and guilty about it. “
” Maybe you are aware of your thoughts and not in touch with your feelings and sensations. This is similar to a person with diabetes who overeats sweets in spite of the knowledge of its harmfulness. “
“Yes.I see such a possibility. And what can I do? “
I suggested a process through which he could get in touch with his emotions at the onset of each relationship. He accepted the homework.
Asha anchoring into personal strength
Asha complained, ” In spite of taking medicines given by the doctor ( psychiatrist) I continue to feel disinterested in everything. I don’t cry but neither can I smile.” She looked unable to overcome her grief.
Asha could be helped with” the Journey ” technique in which she journeyed through her deeper layers of feeling states. Diving deeper she touched an unshakable calm state. With this calmness she floated up wiping clean all her disturbing feelings of hopelessness, anger, distress. At the end of the process Asha had collected her inner strength and clarity.
After two more such sessions Asha regained her smile and interest in general.
Avinash developed insight into his driving emotions
Avinash could identify the emotion that pushed him into a relationship.He shared, “my work involves interacting with people in need. When a woman during such interaction shares her intimate experience, I feel highly regarded and I get involved with her. This has happened all four times that I got involved. “
This indicated his low self-esteem causing him to make a choice he regretted.
I said, ” maybe you feel small in general. You may observe your thoughts about yourself for a week, and we shall review it”
Avinash agreed to it and returned the following week.
Transformation to self acceptance.
Avinash looked very sad and disturbed. He said, ” I am shocked to see how always I try to hide my smallness and try to project my superior abilities. It is disturbing me. This whole week I was restless and unhappy. ” He pointed out his defensive behavior hiding his feelings of inferiority.
Avinash needed to accept himself without comparing himself to others. To help him do so ‘ the journey ‘ technique helped him too.
Through the journey technique he could get in touch with his intense feelings of inferiority, below it the layers of anxiety, fear, sadness, unhappiness. Just when he went further deep into his feelings he got in touch with serenity and self acceptance. He could wipe off and replace the upper layers of discomforting feelings with peace and self acceptance.
Avinash experienced great relief, stopped judging himself, and could concentrate better.
Asha getting ready to act
After undergoing two sessions of ‘journey’ Asha felt strong enough to plan her future approach. Asha identified her concern regarding Avinash getting into another relationship in future.
I helped Asha to consider informing Avinash that she could leave him if he gets into a relationship again.
Asha pondered and said, “although it is difficult, I am capable of managing it. I would get my daughter married before taking such a step to protect her future. “
Asha felt her self respect and dignity restored with this thought. Then Asha prepared a kindly worded letter informing Avinash about her present forgiveness and future condition.Letter was safer than talking so that she could convey precisely.
Now both Asha and Avinash were ready for communication in a joint session.
Joint session. Realignment.
Asha read out the letter prepared in advance to Avinash. Both had tears rolling down. Avinash conveyed apologies to Asha for the pain he gave her through previous years. He wholeheartedly accepted her future condition.
Lower self esteem, undue compromising, suppressed anxiety and fear left unresolved can have such devastating effects in marital relationship.